Carlos A. Nasworthy
Of course, I feel horribly about it. I am sad and confused. Sad that he might die soon and confused about my feelings for him. But mostly, I have been ready for this even though he's been a semi-healthy grandpa as far as young grandpas go because of his smoking and drinking that occurred earlier in his life. I'm more sad for my dad than I am for anything or anyone else. He really idealizes and loves his father. And that makes me so sad to think that in a few months or years, my Grandpa Carl, my dad's Daddy, could die of lung cancer. Wow. It feels weird to write/say that. I do love him, I just have mixed feelings about him as a person. I don't feel as close to him as I once did. He says things that anger me. On the other hand, he sometimes says things that make complete sense. And he does love me even though I'm on his "black sheep" list in a way -- I'm too liberal and liberated for his taste. I want him to know that I care, though. I don't really know how to deal with this because it's going to be one of those things that plagues me for the rest of my life if I don't "get square" with him.
So he has a lump the size of an orange in his lung. They're not sure if it's cancer yet, but my dad and Irene flew to Florida right away when they found out. And not to be a pessimist, but it probably is cancer because he used to smoke a lot. Ok. Now it's starting to really hit me. Just thinking about my little brother who's too young to know who his grandparents are (he's 1 and a half) is so sad. And I'm not supposed to lose my grandparents before they meet my kids -- that's how it goes in our very young family. Grandparents become greatgrandparents all the time with us. Hmm. That puts a damper on a lot of things. Ok. I'm gonna go ponder what I should do, say, write; I don't know. I know that I should make amends with him, but it's not like we've ever had a real fight or falling out. There's just been this underlying tension between us for a couple of years, and it's especially obvious and painful because of our past relationship; I used to absolutely adore my grampa and hang on every word, absorbing it all. As an adult (a young one, yes, but an adult nonetheless) I see things so differently and I see him so differently so it's not so black and white as it once was.
Bummed and confused, I am.